May the 4th Be With Booze!!
You may be asking, “How can I celebrate this very important day?” Well, I have a good answer. The best answer. Get shitfaced. Just. Use your body as a dumpster for alcohol. Concern your friends and family with your alcohol intake. Make your liver feel ashamed that it can’t keep up with what you’re putting in your body.
Look, we all die. Things collapse. Relationships end. Nothing matters. We’re not here for some grand purpose. So, just do it. Make your stomach be 100% filled with vodka. I’m not exaggerating. Replace your stomach acid with vodka. Make your blood Fireball. Make your spinal fluid a pale ale.
You want to celebrate this Star Wars pun day in a more relevant way? Fine. Get one of those Death Star cookie jars, fill it to the literal brim with box wine, and just pour it all into your gaping maw. Pretend it’s the death beam destroying Alderaan or whatever that planet’s name was. You know, the one from the first movie. That one. Your liver is that planet, or something. I don’t care. Just be prepared to do the same thing on May 5th, because that’s “Revenge of the Fifth.” You know, like “Revenge of the Sith?” That’s a Star Wars movie too. Repeat it then, and May 6th, and May 7th, and the 8th, and while you'[re at it, learn about what you're drinking with Telltale Tours and take a peek at the Intrepid (there's a spaceship there) which is the closest we'll get to "May the 4th be with you" in 2017. Thats right. A walking and drinking history tour.
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