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Marriage Is A Scam

June 13, 2017

 

Ok, first off, I want to make something clear: I’m not drunk right now. I promise. I’m merely here to talk calmly and soberly about why June, also known as “the marriage month,” is a huge scam and also a bad thing. I would like to posit that it is perhaps the worst month of them all.

June, by itself, is a bullshit name. Who would name a month that? It really just doesn’t make sense. I think it might be the worst name. We have so many other months that have super great names like December, March, or August. Why do we have to settle for June? I know some might say, “Well Ted, June said she settled for you,” but that’s not true and you know it.

The next point I have is that June being “the marriage month” is really bad. Here’s why. Marriage is fake and not even real and also a bad thing. Who would want to get married anyway? Not I. I would not want to get married. I certainly wouldn’t want to get married to June, the love of my life. I would hate that. I would much rather stay home, binging CSI, and drinking mouthwash mixed with old kombucha that fermented and became alcoholic.

Here’s why marriage is bullshit. Who even made it a thing, huh? It’s this old religious thing that is really about owning a body or something and also God is a part of it? Ugh, color me not interested. I would never claim to own a woman’s body, and certainly not June’s, who is an amazing person and would probably love to be married to me because I would treat her like a queen. You know, if I wanted to do that. But only a sucker would want to get married.

So yeah that’s my treatise. I hope I’ve convinced you why marriage is bad and why June being the marriage month is even worse. Also I want to reiterate that I’m not drunk but also none of this can be admissible in court if it ever comes to that. I hope it won’t, June. I hope it won’t come to that.