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Sharing Valentine’s Day With Your One Unfaltering Love

January 19, 2017

 

 

         Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and if you’re like me, the scent of love floating throughout the air is especially pungent. It’s hard not to be somewhat aware of the distaste this humble holiday faces, especially since it’s also known as “Single’s Awareness Day.” There’s no reason to be so jaded about this special day, though. Even if you’re single, you can still celebrate Valentine’s Day with all the reverence you would if you were in a couple. 

If you have a single best friend, you could potentially hang out with them. However, it’s entirely possible they might have gotten lucky and scored a date. What are you to do? Simple: settle into your couch, queue up your favorite streaming service, and relax with a nice mixed drink.

While Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D starts up, you could mix two parts whiskey and one part Coke for a nice strong drink to go with your strong show choice. This drink (which I call “Thor’s Hammer”) will keep you busy for a while as you struggle to get it down. Or, if you prefer calmer shows, you could start up an episode of The Joy of Painting and mix one part Skyy Vodka with one part Grey Goose. This subtle blend of only vodka will help lull you into a sense of security while Bob Ross’ soothing voice eases your mind.

          You may ask yourself, “Why not get a little adventurous?” and to that I say, go ahead! The alcohol won’t judge you for your choices. You can mix three glasses of red wine with a can of Red Bull. Alcohol won’t care. You can swish together some Listerine and scotch. Alcohol won’t say that’s a bad life choice. You can pour some paint thinner right down your gullet and pass out. Alcohol will understand.

Alcohol won’t say it’s found someone better and leave you to pay for their dinner. Alcohol won’t say you were never there for her even though you left work early plenty of times because she said she was sad. Alcohol won’t say your first edition in-box EVA Unit-01 figurine is nerdy and should be sold. Alcohol won’t have you open your heart to her just to rip it out and stomp on it. Alcohol wouldn’t be like that. No drink could ever be that mean. It’s hard to think anyone could ever be that mean. And yet, here we are, drunk and drooling on the couch with Bud Light cans littered around our feet and Cheers playing on the TV, as it has been for the last seven hours.

           So, this Valentine’s Day, forget about your sadness and chug at least three bottles of white wine and chase it with some Sobe you picked up at the grocery store to make it seem like you’re hip. I guarantee you’ll have a great time while you sob uncontrollably watching Ross and Rachel end up together all over again while slowly realizing that life is a series of meaningless choices that in the end returns to entropy and will mean nothing two-hundred years from now and will mean even less in the grand scheme of a universe that doesn’t even comprehend your existence. 

          Or, book a tour with Telltale Tours and join a slew of like minded lovers of booze. Heck, you'll even learn a little. Everyone looks better with "lie lighting" and a drink :)

 

Happy V-Day.