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Take a Telltale Tour: Everything’s Better When You’re Bordering On Alcoholism

October 27, 2016

Buddy, pal, look, I’m gonna tell you some cool jazz right now. Is that what the kids are saying? Cool jazz? That’s not important. What’s important is I’ve just discovered one of the best ways to experience anything in the whole world forever. Did that make sense? Wanna know what it is?

Ok, so, you know how some cities have those little tours where you… like, walk around? Or something? Yeah, walking tours— wait, is that what they’re called? Oh my God that makes so much sense. Anyway. Yeah. Walking tours. You just walk around and do whatever and they tell you all the cool things about where you’re walking around. Like, uh, I don’t know, something about the houses or whatever? And the cool people that lived there? …that’s called history? Oh yeah, I remember that now.

Cool beans right? You walk around and learn some cool history or whatever and stuff. But that can get soooooo boring, right? Just, like, learning the intricate and interesting story of a town that is unique in its place in that country or city’s history. Who has time for that? Enriching yourself? Psh, that’s boring. But you know what can make all that even cooler? I’ll give you a hint - it involves the word “cooler.”

That’s right! Wine coolers! Or just a cooler full of alcohol of your choice. The fuller, the better, because a fuller cooler means a fuller stomach of booze. With a belly full of enough booze to rival a keg at a frat party, you can stumble around the tour while slurring about how history is some boring-ass crap, and no one can do anything because you’re drunk! It’s amazing!

Huh? You wanna just have a beer or two to kinda ease the mood and make things slightly more relaxed and open? Uh, yeah, sure, you can do that. If you wanna be boring. Everyone knows that making people around you worried for your health is much cooler. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to go on a 20-minute disoriented rant about how Stonewall Jackson is a dumb name. 

 

 

*For satirical purposes only.

 

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